Asinine Hillbilly Moms

It is early morning and the sun has barely risen. You grab your blanket and pull it up over your face, trying to get cozy and stay warm. You adjust your pillow finding a more comfortable position. Then... it is the most annoying sound in the world. It is rather alarming, but it is not an alarm. It isn't even the sound of kids fighting, or your wife rattling off her honey-do list (not that mine does). It sounds something like this. "COOOOMMME OOOON!!! LET'S GO BOY!!! PUSH 'EM BACK, HOLD 'EM HERE!!! YOU GOT THIS ONE, GET THAT BALL BACK!!! COME ON, BULL!!! GET UP THERE ON THAT LINE OF SCRIMMAGE!!! HIT SOMEBODY!!!" As you fight for warmth, all you can do shiver from the shrill sound of the redneck woman who can't, uh, be quiet behind you. A moment of silen... "BULL, GET IN THERE!!! DON'T LET THEM PUSH YOU AROUND!!! COME ON BOY!!! GO AFTER THAT BALL!!!" Egads!!! Really? "WOOOOOO, HOOOOO!!! LET"S GO!!! YOU GOT IT!!!" Now your eardrums are ringing and you wonder why that, of all the seats in the bleachers, you had to pick that one. You thought you brought everything for comfort as you watch your son play a good ol' game of youth football. You brought your cup of coffee (in my case hot chocolate), a warm blanket (or two), a pillow to keep your rear end off the freezing bleachers, a hoodie, a coat, and... "BULL!!! GET UP THERE!!! RUN!!! YOUR TEAM IS DEPENDING ON YOU TO GET THAT BALL BACK!!! GET THAT QUARTERBACK!!!" You just realized the most important thing you forgot, your earplugs. Not only is it extremely asinine that this lady behind thinks that the whole team is comprised of, well, only her son, but she just won't freakin' shut up. I mean we shout every once in a while, but... "ALRIGHT!!! YOU GUYS GOT THE BALL!!! MOVE IT DOWN THE FIELD!!! LISTEN TO THE PLAY, BULL!!! PAY ATTENTION!!! PUT YOUR MOUTHPIECE IN!!! HURRY BULL!!! PROTECT THAT QUARTERBACK!!!" Argh!!! Where was I? Oh yeah, but we don't yell for every move they make. I mean, come on, when a good play is made, sure, and even to lift their spirits when they are not, exactly, doing so... "OH YEAH!!! GET IN THERE AND GET YOU SOME!!! WAY TO GO BULL!!! (He didn't even do anything) SHOW 'EM HOW ITS DONE!!! WOOOO HOOOOO!!!" Alright, alright, enough is enough, now it is time to say something. You aren't really sure what it is going to be, it is difficult to think with all the ringing in your ears and your fast-approaching migraine. You lean over and tell your wife, "I'm going to say something." She reasures, for the sake of the sheer embarassment of starting a shouting match with a rather robust redneck woman, that you are not going to say a word. What is there that is left to do? Move? Nope, that is too obvious. Well, if you can't tell her to shut the heck up and if you can't move, I guess the only thing left is to join her. So, every time she shouts, you throw in your own little hoots and hollers. It makes you feel better, somewhat, okay not really, but, like I told my wife, "If I can't tell her to shut her fat mouth and act like a normal person instead of a freaking asinine hillbilly mom." Hold on, hold on... Let me explain this person to you... They are the same ones who decided they are going to have a night out on the town, I'm not sure where the money came from, maybe their cousin Jed Clampitt, or maybe she decided to forego the cigarettes and alcohol this week, but nonetheless, a night out on the town... They walk into some place slightly more classy then their usual, say, uh, Ruby Tuesdays (that is where I officially proposed to my wife). You know the ones, she is dressed up in her Sunday's finest, and she is missing all but three teeth (no offense). She has a chip on her shoulder, as though she should be treated like a queen, deserving of the utmost, royal treatment. It might go something like this... "Uh, excuuse me, we WOULD like to be seated sometime today." Then, it is just one thing after another. It is her poor rendition of what she thinks rich people act like when they go out in public. It is a sad sight to witness and truly embarassing, yes for them, but for yourself that you even chose that particular place to eat. Yeah, I don't know for sure, but I am sure that two would be one and the same. I know I seem a little bit impolite, but let's look at the bright side, I never said anything to her, as if nothing even bothered me. I wanted, but I refrained, with the help of my wife. It got better after that (because she left before we did). Truth be told, I really didn't want to tango with that woman anyway, she probably could have taken me. Lesson to be learned from this? Embrace the wisdom of your spouse and just know that when dealing asinine hillbilly moms, it is best not to act like one yourself.

Asinine Attitudes

We all work with at least one... let me paint a picture for you. This is the guy (or girl, let's keep this anonymous) that always has a problem with any given person in the workplace, but... let's just say that person is you, most of the time that they have a problem with. It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you are his (oops, or her) boss. So... you are given the task to invite yourself, plus five of your subordinates to a meeting with the manager of your whole business unit. No topic given, just you and five others. Wow!!! What a meeting. Very beneficial, informational. The next day, the guy/girl approaches you and asks very specific and pointed questions. "This meeting was intended for input and feedback?" You answer, "Well... yes, it was." Next question, "Was it on overtime?" Again, "Well... yes, it was." Here is comes... "That is blankity, blankity, blank, blank. It's your A**, buddy, I am taking this one straight to the top. In this plant, we give overtime by seniority." (as he points a finger in your face) Okay, okay... you get the idea! You take it with a grain of salt. So what, he/she takes you to the office, yet again with another petty issue. He regularly wastes everyone's time with his asinine attitude. Surprise, here we go again. Guess what? The next day an opportunity comes available for overtime, only this time, it is mandatory. Yep, you guessed it... "This is BULL [LARKEY]!" (I graciously reworded the last half of his actual phrasing) I failed to mention, the mandatory meeting was by my own hand, but none-the-less, overtime, right? Do you want overtime, or not? The truth is, it has nothing to do with overtime and everything to do with the fact that no matter what you do, this person is looking for something to complain about. Guess what? It is all about how you look at it. If you are looking for something to complain about, your going to find it, and vice versa. Half-empty? Half-full? An age old question? Your choice... but I choose not to have or fret over those, blankity, blankity, blank blank people with asinine attitudes. I think... I think... I will just pray for them, it may be their only hope.

The Kansasinine Division of Motor Vehicles

Ever made a call to address an issue that REALLY needs addressing? How about finding out that you never paid a reinstatement fee on your license from a ticket you received over a decade ago? Then, when you go to your local Division of Motor Vehicles to renew your license, you can't. Lets make matters slightly worse. The Department of Motor Vehicles you are dealing with... yep! You guessed it, not even your own State. What is a person to do? Call!!! At least you would think, right. Go ahead, try it. I did. It was a wonderful experience! All 14 times, it was. The first time I called, apparently after hours. Call back tomorrow, okay, not a big deal. I call back tomorrow and I am informed, after numerous key presses, that they are extremely busy due to a shortage because of the recent State budget cuts. Thinking I am going to be on hold, I pay no attention to the next few seconds of rambling, the next thing I know, they say "good-bye." Whoa, what!?! I must have pressed a button on accident with my cheek as I hold my touch-screen phone to my face. Let me call back and listen to what I thought I heard. Yes, it is right, call back at a more convenient time. Which is? How about the next day? Sounds good. Give them an opportunity to catch up on their calls. Uh, no! This time the office is closed. It is a Friday. Yep, frustrated, I hang up. I call back up on Monday. Guess what? They are closed today, as well. It is not even a holiday. What the heck!!! Okay, I will call back during their business hours, according to their recording. Now, it is Tuesday. I call early in the morning, first thing. Too busy, "good-bye." I call later in the morning, too busy, "good-bye." I call after lunch, too busy, "good-bye." I call later in the afternoon, too busy, "good-bye." Now I am thoroughly, uh, upset. Just to humor them one more time, I call back the next day, "good-bye." For the sake of my patriotism to ALL of the States in the Union, I will keep the State I am speaking of anonymous. However, it should be said, that this is freaking asinine!!! One last thing worth noting, I called my own State to find out more information and I got all my questions answered on the first phone call... I asked the friendly person on the other end of the phone, hey, when you are dealing with the "anonymous state," what number do you call? She gave me the same number and said, "Good luck trying to get through, oh and don't call on Monday or Friday, they are closed."